Wrong side of the bed

Do you ever wake up, and just feel like you are set up to fail? Wake up thinking about what you tried to forget when you went to bed last night? Feeling negative and out of control?  Unwanted?

More often than not, I think we give in to the negative thinking that presses down on our hearts. In this me-centered world, we are easily swayed to focus heavily on our own circumstances that often we can't even change. And it's a comfortable place to be lost in our negativity.

If you haven't already figured it out, this is how I felt this morning. I'm still in the process being restored to healthy, positive thinking in my mind, but with more prayer, quiet time, and one-on-one time with Christ, I think I'll get there.

Today I meditate on this: “Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and uphold me with a willing spirit.” Psalm 51:12 

Happy 30th Anniversary!

 Today, it is my parent's 30th wedding anniversary!

It is also, conveniently a day where I have a ton of work to do... making writing this post all the sweeter. If you don't already know this, I'm a great procrastinator! 

Thinking of 30 years together, committed to marriage, is just incredible for me to think about! That's longer than I've been alive + the lives of both my dog's added together! 

Mom and Dad met when she was working as a "cocktail waitress" at the Rusty Scupper near Baltimore, MD. Cocktail waitress is in quotes because over the years I've given her a hard time that she was a bartender on a SUNDAY afternoon when my Dad sat down at her bar. 

Dad had hair. Mom was bronze and beautiful. Their looks and young vibrant personalities were attractive to each other, which ultimately led to marriage.

Years later, Mom and Dad had significant struggles in their marriage and almost gave up.

I say this next line with hesitation, because it sounds oh-so-corny...
Their last and final attempt to save their marriage was to go to church. 

(More often than not, one person may become a believer later in life, which in some ways alienates the couple even more so.)

Thankfully, they both turned to Christ and grew in their faith.

I entered the picture somewhere shortly after their marriage was saved.

Today, my parents have an incredibly strong marriage. The Lord is truly their rock and guide through this life. The Bible serves as the authority for which to settle their disputes. It serves to instruct them on how to treat each other with love and respect and equality. While beauty and youth may fade*, with Christ-centered love, a marriage is able to stand.  
 
*My parents are still pretty good looking, and young acting ;)

A story of the fathers and grandfathers in my life

"For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father (the translation of Abba means Daddy).” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory."

Romans 8:14-17

Last weekend I was honored for my parents to visit us. It was even more of a blessing that it was Father's Day. And to go even farther, it was the first service at North Way Oakland that Scott picked the songs to sing and the first time he spoke during the worship part of the service, so it was really special to us that my parents were there. 

For those of you unaware, my Dad grew up without a strong father figure in his life. His mother, a wonderful but dysfunctional woman, did not allow my Dad and Grandfather to have much of a relationship up until the time she passed, right around the time I was born. After she died, my Grandfather (my Pappy) remarried, which took him even farther away from my family. Often times I would tell my Dad what a great Dad he was and that I was sorry he didn't have a father figure in his life. Whenever I said this, my Dad would tell me that he was just sorry that I didn't have him as a Grandfather. How selfless he was. I apologize for the negativity of this... keep reading, there will be a happy ending.

Although my Pappy wasn't around much in my childhood, my Mom's Dad (my Papou... it's Greek!) was a fantastic influence in my life, and I was so many fond memories of time spent with him that I was cherish forever. He was a big part of my life, until cancer took him in early in my high school years. I still think of him often and am thankful for him. 

Within the past year, my Grandfather has come into the picture. Some unfortunate circumstances with his second wife led him to a place of needing assistance from my Dad. Although the situation is less than desirable that landed him back in our lives, we are so incredible thankful for rekindled relationships and the time we are able to spend with him in his later life. He now lives only 10 short minutes away from my parents. My parents take him to eat, bring him to our house, take him on adventures (they are cherry picking today!), cook for him, and so many more things a few times a week.  

I am so proud of my father for allowing his Dad back into his life. After the hurtful circumstances of his childhood and young adult life, he forgave his Dad and now has a functional relationship with him. They are able to enjoy each other's company and have the father-son relationship that neither of them had previously experienced. What an incredible and unexpected blessing!

My Dad is such a special man. When I think of him, I think of integrity. I think of honesty. I think of a man with so much wisdom and Biblical knowledge. He is a great teacher and a great leader. While he has his faults, like anyone does, he is an incredible father and friend to me, whose opinion and wisdom I respect very much. My relationship with him truly gives me a better insight into my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

I was blessed to have a Dad that has always been active in my life and a Heavenly Father who knew me before I was even concieved. Even further, I was blessed to have a wonderful Papou in my life up until his passing, and am now blessed in this stage of my life by my Pappy. But I know this isn't the case for so many.

On a separate, but related note, recently when counseling with a friend with an absence of a strong father figure, the Lord revealed something to me to share with this friend. Our fathers (and everyone else in our life) will fall short, and in some cases, have just plain messed their children up. But our Heavenly Father has been fathering us since before we were born and cares so much about us that he knows every hair on our head. While our earthly das may not have provided us with some things we wanted (to play catch, go to a baseball game, to have dad come to your piano recital), our Heavenly Father always provided us with what we needed. He protected us, He consoled us, gave us direction. While we may not have gotten all the things we wanted from our earthly fathers, we are getting... have been getting... and will get everything we need from our Heavenly Father.

Revelation through hurt

It seems this world is ripe with hurt and pain. In my past, I've struggled a lot with friends not inviting me to things, not returning my calls, not considering my feelings, failing to reciprocate the "how are you?" question when you are going through something tough, etc. You could probably poll the whole teenage girl population (and probably grown women too) and I'd venture to say that 99.999999% of those girls would say that have felt this way at some point or another.

Recently, a friend has come to me asking about how to handle a similar situation. In searching for what advice to give, I've been reflecting on my own past hurts. Through this searching, I believe that God's been teaching me and molding my heart in this area.

Often times you put effort into relationships and do things for people that they are unaware of and often you are hurt by these very same people. Through my past hurts, God's been teaching me that we do this to Him constantly. He puts so much effort into our relationship, and we so often fail to reciprocate with Him. He alone knows our future, he provides for our every need, and yet some days we struggle to find 5 minutes to talk to Him. We don't have the courage to stick up for our faith. We don't have the self control to put Him before empty pleasures of this world. Or maybe we are just too complacent to involve Him in our life.

In the end, I wouldn't trade the hurt and pain I've experienced through the years, simply because it lead to this precious revelation. I am thankful that God is teaching me and refining me through fire and pain. 



My prayer is for the wisdom and love to treasure my relationship with my Maker, and desire to spend as much time with Him as I would a friend or my husband.

Ode to Pittsburgh

Well friends, it is with bittersweet emotion that Scott and I are preparing to move back to our hometown. With 4 weeks remaining in the sweet city of Pittsburgh, we find ourselves scrapping for time to hang with our dear friends, scrambling to restaurants that were on our "bucket list," and searching for jobs and apartments.

For so long, we have anticipated the happy day that we would return to our small town of Hanover - the day we'd once again be living in the same city as our family (if it weren't for our families being there, we'd probably be in NC by now...)! This day was idealized in our minds as the gold trophy sitting atop a shining pedestal, that we've been working towards attaining for the past 11 months. Now that it approaches, Scott still doesn't have a job, we still haven't found an apartment that fits our needs, and we realize that we will be missing so many things about our life here in Pittsburgh. It's a scary yet exciting time. A time to petition God but praise him despite uncertainty and for relationships reunited. 

For the past five years, I've complained about the excessive amounts of liquid and solid precipitation falling from the sky, the lack of parking in the city, our noisy community, and the dirty city buses I ride daily! So, since I've given Pittsburgh such a hard time over these past 5 years, I thought I'd say a few nice things about the city in which I've grown from a naive kid into a young woman.


The things I love about Pittsburgh:


1. My North Way church family, the church itself, it's leadership, and our small group!
2. Being able to walk to friend's houses
3. Living 1/2 mile from Trader Joe's
4. Consuming massive amounts of Razzy Fresh's delicious frozen yogurt
5. The skyline, and view from Mount Washington
6. The fact that everyone loves the Pirates despite how awful they are (taking notes Baltimore...)
7. Being able to walk to three of Shadyside's best shopping and dining areas
8. The great education I got from PITT
9. PITT athletics... Go Panthers!
10. The music and art scene 

I will miss all of those things about Pittsburgh, and more, but look forward to being closer to family and to picking up friendships that were put on hold for a few years because of distance. It is an exciting time!


Alright friends, off to do laundry... oh, what a glamorous life this is!

Something's Missing

God calls us into obedience to Him. He calls us to follow the principles the Bible teaches.

I've spent the last year or so reading about the ways in which I should be obedient and tying up loose ends in my life in attempt to make my heart more like God's. Through these efforts and God's grace, my spiritual life has been excelling in the way of obedience, yet I've been missing something.

I've been missing just sitting before the Lord quietly soaking up His presence and peace.

I've been missing being in tune with the Spirit.

I've been missing the sheer joy of falling in love with Christ deeper each day.

Today it hit me that since I've been a servant to obedience for so long, many of these things have been internalized in me. I don't have to concentrate on them as much in this season of life, freeing me to experience God in other ways.

I've been feeling very called to become more dedicated to prayer and quiet time with my Savior and am excited to experience a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with my Creator.

Delicious Dinner!

Well friends, I have once again neglected to blog for quite some time. I have 8 drafts, and no new finished product!

Tonight, this shall change... I made a delicious dinner tonight that I just have to share. I made cherry BBQ chicken with a sweet rice, and potatoes.

We don't have many groceries right now, so I decided to be creative with the spices and condiments we already have in our kitchen. Lately, I've been enjoying making "semi-homemade" dishes, using store-bought items and then adding my own flavor into it! So, that's pretty much what happened.

Chicken:

marinate in Sweet Baby Ray's BBQ Sauce,

just a little ranch dressing, sweet cherry wine and grill

Chicken glaze:

start with a small slab of butter, add cherry wine, BBQ sauce,

and brown sugar (there probably should be a specific order to this,

but I didn't do anything in particular) and simmer on low,

stirring occasionally until you are ready to put it on the chicken

Potatoes:

red and white small potatoes cut in cubes, seasoned with paprika,

red pepper, black pepper, lemon juice, just a little brown mustard,

agave nectar (may substitute with honey or brown sugar) baked at 350F until golden,

then sprinkle parmesean cheese and bake for another few minutes

Rice: 

cook rice as directed on package, add in extra cherry wine,

molasses, lime juice, cilantro, pepper (mulitple kinds for a little fun), and craisins

That's all folks! 

Life Dreams

The past few years my life has been consumed with school work, keeping me from pursuing many things (including blogging faithfully). School, however, has not stopped me from dreaming.

On Monday I went to see a friend, Koji, play at a local venue. Not only did he share his musical talent, but he also shared his passion for fighting against child soldiering and putting an end to the LRA's oppression of parts of Uganda (for more information, click here). Afterwards he provided the information and supplies needed to write letters to Congressmen to ensure that the US government would take action on this very important issue.

He's doing something.

I went home inspired and wishing that I could pursue some things that I've been passionate about for years now. Then it hit me - in three weeks my schedule would instantly become less congested! Since I'll be completing my last semester of classes (insert YAY here), I could actually begin to put some of my dreams into action!

Since these ideas have only been in my head until now, I decided to make a list! One of the things on this list is going to start this summer... so stay tuned!

Life dreams:
-Learn to play an instrument
-Commit myself to mentor and be mentored
-Open up a coffee shop/live music venue that's a safe environment for local teenagers
-Meet and hang out with a penguin (the animal, not the hockey team)
-Start a movement/campaign for modesty
-Continued small group involvement
-Start dancing again, and for the right reasons
-Visit Greece
-Go on a medical mission trip
-Go on a mission trip with Scott
-Provide free (pharmacy) medical care to uninsured and homeless patients, as a PharmD
-Have my husband get his scuba certification
-Work on speaking less and listening more
-Above all, continued examination of my heart and complete surrender and commitment to follow my Savior

I'll keep adding more goals as I think of them. What are some of your life goals?

Labels

It seems in our culture we are quick to assign "labels" to people. Hipster, goth, punk, quiet, jock, whatever. We assign most of these labels based on how someone looks, and then with each label we assign specific character traits to each person fitting the look of their respective label.

What we don't realize is that when we consciously or subconsciously assign people to these groups, we expect them to act only within the boundaries of their label. We expect these peoples' minds to be closed and incapable of thinking, feeling, or acting inconsistently with characteristics associated with "their kind."

I will boldly say that I think it is we, who assign labels to others, that are the close-minded ones. We are the ones that fail to acknowledge that person's positive actions or write their behavior off as an anomaly. We focus on the negative, instead of seeing the rose among thorns. This is a character flaw of our own.

I'm sure that others could put a label on me, but I know that I don't want to be expected to act a certain way, and I know that there are many ways in which I'd act outside of the preconceived notions that others may form about me.

Similarly, I often place these labels on my acquaintances. My desire is to appreciate each person for their good qualities and not become hung up on their negative qualities that may blind me from appreciating their strengths... just as I'd want others to do about me.

A late night revelation

I came home to an empty apartment with Scott away for the night on a retreat. I wasn't uncomfortable being alone, but something definitely felt a little off. Upon returning home around 12am from ice skating and coffee with friends, I was faced with a choice about how to spend the rest of my evening alone. It crossed my mind to read the Word or to spend some time in prayer, but since it was so late, and I was really trying to forget that I was alone, I decided to watch an episode of a tv series that a friend lent me on dvd. Since I wasn't very tired, I was really hoping than an episode or 2 would tired me out and put me to sleep.

One episode turned into two... times 3,4,5? I don't even know how many episodes I ended up watching, but it was A LOT. Each time an episode ended I didn't feel any more tired, and in fact I found myself really wanting to find out what happened in the next episode. Getting closer to the end of the season, my appetite for this show became insatiable - feeling as if I wouldn't be full until I had seen the last episode. Well, I finally got to the last episode at about 3:30am and was just starting to feel a little tired. As we all know, season-enders are always cliff hangers, and this last episode was a sad one that left viewers uncertain of a character's fate. I felt a tear welling up and the fullness I thought I'd receive from finishing the season was instantly drained. The course of the events that transpired in the last few minutes of the show literally left me feeling absolutely hollow inside.

I didn't get it - I sat there and watched the whole season, and how was I repayed? How was I "filled?" By witnessing a tragic life event in a character's life and feeling their emotional pain. Instantly I made a connection to how much this can relate to my spiritual life, and what started as one tear shed for the character's sadness turned into a waterfall of tears for my own spiritual deprivation.

I became instantly aware of the fact that we so often fill ourselves with things the world has to offer. We think that once we have it all (the end of the season for me), we will be complete - we will be satisfied.

Some have an unquenchable need for social acceptance, others feel fulfilled when we achieve good grades or have a job lined up. Others find false love in the arms of another - in a relationship that is not glorifying our Creator. And for others, it's not the presence of a sin, but an absence of passion for the person of Christ. And the list goes on...

I believe the craving for these false-fillings can be rightly filled by simply rejoicing in Christ and finding our acceptance and worth in God. My prayer is to have an insatiable attetite and thirst for God's word and to seek love first and foremost through Him.

Singing it isn't enough...

Often I am perplexed by the things that some Christian bands say or write on social media sites or by what I overhear. I often hear them joke about things that, I believe, should not be joked about. I often hear curse words muttered offstage from the very same lips that sing praises to God onstage. By no means would I ever expect the members of a Christian band be perfect, however I do wish that they took their faith more seriously, if they are attempting to teach others about Christ through their music. It's no wonder Christians are called hypocrites when the front-men for Christianity (and bands) are teaching one way of life and living another, singing praiseful lyrics and then using their tongue as a sword, speaking words of admiration to their wife but lusting after another woman's appearance behind closed doors, saying they want to reach others with their music but only go after their own agenda at shows. It seems they think that singing about Christ is enough and that living it isn't a necessary and vital part to their ministry.

I LOVE this verse. It's a great one that reminds us how challenging, yet rewarding it is to live in this world, but not be of it.

James 1:22-25 (NIV)

²² Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. ²³ Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror ²⁴ and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. ²⁵ But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do. ²⁶ Those who consider themselves religious and yet do not keep a tight rein on their tongues deceive themselves, and their religion is worthless. ²⁷ Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

Checklist faith

For so long, I've looked at my faith as a checklist of what I was doing right or wrong by the standards of God's teachings in the Bible. I have lived each day taking those areas in which I fall short and have made it my mission to purify my heart in that area.

In the last year in particular, I have worked a lot on modesty and being particularly careful so that my dress isn't distracting and wouldn't cause another man to fall. I have worked on my patience this year and have gotten several opportunities to practice patience... especially as a newlywed! I have worked on my anger, and have made great improvements on how I respond to others. I have also worked on listening - truly listening to someone instead of thinking of what I'll say next.

I don't claim to be perfect at any of these things, but I have recognized my short-comings and am working to improve in these areas. God has given me an eye to lovingly recognize my flaws, and scripture and His guidance to purify my heart. Years ago I would have called myself a believer in God, but have come to be a follower of God. After these years of refinement, I was able to check off a laundry list of ways that I was following God, and as a result, I fooled myself into believing that I was following Christ with my whole heart.

From the outside it looks like I'm living a pretty good Christian life and to be quite frank, I believed I was too. But I've come to realize that I have a huge area in which I am lacking - worship.

I do authentically worship on Sundays at church, I frequently sing praise songs around our apartment (just ask Scott!), and I do take the time to thank God for the little things throughout the day, but I'm not sure it's out of passionate love and affection for my God.

I had been so distracted for many years with my "checklist faith," that I missed worshiping Him with an abandoned heart. My mind was constantly racing with new ways to improve myself and live more for Christ that I have failed to just bask in the glory of God - to just sit and be quiet before Him and to just enjoy his presence.

Inadequacy

When I was in high school, I remember heartbreak after heartbreak of not being invited to things by my friends, my sense of humor not being understood, my values not being valued, and the list goes on. I remember constantly feeling rejection from those around me. And not just my personality... other things too: my voice was never quite good enough, I rarely placed in dance competitions despite this hobby consuming my time, etc. I remember pouring every ounce of my soul into friendships only to be talked about behind my back, or to be ignored or not called back. I remember feeling so lonely and inadequate.

It's been a beautiful thing to look back at who I was and reflect on my transformation. Today, the same things continue to happen, but knowing who I am in Christ gives me the confidence I need to shield myself from the arrows of the enemy that try to pierce me with feelings of inadequacy and feelings of being left out. The enemy tries to make us feel alone, tries to isolate us, and keep us from sharing feelings such as these, because when we are most isolated, we are most vulnerable to his attacks. And when we do shut ourselves down, it is giving him power over us. I am so thankful that today when I begin to have feelings of inadequacy, that I remember that God created me, loves me, and has bought me with the blood of His son. And because I am a blood-bought daughter of The Most High, I know that I am loved... and that gives me all the confidence I need.